Monday, November 9, 2009, where have I been?

My mom keeps saying, "I still check your blog but you haven't written anything in so long." I then proceed to tell her that when my mind is actually clear and free enough to think of something fun, funny, useless or interesting to write I will write.

Well, this is going to be neither fun, funny, (maybe useless) or interesting. It's been many, many months since I have written in my blog because I have been working full time and more because Jeff lost his job back in June.

There is so much I could say about that but it's just too much of a burden to even write it and it's too overwhelming and sad. I have run the gamut of emotions, scared, sad, angry, disappointed, confident, and now I am pretty much numb.

These five months I have barely lived. I have gone through the motions, I have done what had to be done but I haven't lived, except for a few short hours here and there. It is my own fault. I have allowed this test to overtake my entire life. I sit at the computer ALL DAY. Not because I am working every minute but because I have let my life slip away. I waste time and "goof off" to try to get away from actually living. I keep saying, "Once Jeff gets a job, I'll....." fill in the blank because I have left most of my life blank since this happened.

I know that is not what God wants for me. But I do feel like, Okay God haven't we gone through enough yet? Legal stuff, losing our house, Jeff's hospitalizations and now Jeff losing his job. Come on, like really? Oh, I know it could be SO much worse. That's the scary part. I KNOW that in the scheme of life we are actually RICH compared to most of the world. And I know that we have our health and our children are happy and we all are living for God, so why can't I let that be enough. I have not learned to be content in whatever situation I find myself. I am not content - I am numb, I am blank.

No, before you start worrying I am not depressed (other than just feeling down today because DH didn't make the final cut for the only job that was sit on the possible horizon). This is about learning to live even when life isn't giving you rainbows of Skittles and pots of gold. Learning to be content, believing God for everything else.

God and I had a conversation a few days ago. I said, "Wow you really have done miracles to make sure all our bills have been paid, it truly is a miracle." But then I kind of said to myself (hoping God wouldn't hear wink, wink) "But when it is all going to dry up? When is it going to become too much financially?" And God said to me, "Hey Sue, haven't I provided for you in your life up till now?" "Yes, you have, Lord." "Do I own everything and have the power to do anything?" "Yes, you do, Lord." "Are my riches going to dry up?" "No, Lord." "What do you think I am like a health savings account, once you use up the funds saved in that account that's it, there's no more for you? No, my accounts never dry up." And then there was me, smiling at the Lord trying to be cute because I was embarrassed by my lack of trust.

I have to remember his mercies are NEW every morning. His ability to protect, provide and sustain us never dries up.

Enough rambling, but I had to get this out there because I have to take responsiblity for my actions and I have to start living again and I have to learn to be content in whatever situation I find myself in, because all situations we find ourselves in the Lord is in them with us!


Walking on Sunshine... November 9, 2009 at 11:18 PM  

Beautiful post Sue. Yes beautiful. In spite of all you are going through, you still know where the source of joy comes from! A beautiful testimony to others who don't have that joy or hope as you do. I often say to myself, "When Phil gets off active duty, I'll do this or I'l do that" and often find myself not really living just existing through the week until he's home on the weekends. But he's leaving in a few weeks and won't be home for a year. I know I can't just exist for the coming year. But will do like you and rely on the Lord to give me joy. Hope you continue to post!!!

A House FULL of Grace November 10, 2009 at 1:32 AM  

Sue, thank you for being transparent and honest!! Feelings many of us have felt, but rarely admit. Your openness is an encouragement to me. Know that you are not alone and that the One who holds the future loves you for who you are, where you are, just as you are. Hugs, friend!!

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